Divorce Differently |
Divorce Differently |
As family law attorneys, we are often asked if there is a certain age when a child is permitted to be home alone. For families going through separation and divorce, this can especially be a concern because as a single parent, it is harder to have “back-up” childcare without a spouse at home. Your child may end up solo at home unexpectedly. Divorced parents may differ on their comfort levels or opinions of at what age it is appropriate for a child to be left at home alone. If your co-parent believes a child is not ready to be left at home alone and you begin to leave that child home alone, it may cause issues in your custody case or even lead your co-parent to request a modification of custody. If possible, it is always best to get on the same page with your co-parent about whether your child is ready to be left home alone.
Before kids of any age stay home alone, be sure to discuss the safety ground rules at your house. For instance, be clear on whether the child is permitted to cook or microwave food while you’re gone, if they are permitted to open the door to friends and neighbors or should not open the door to anyone (even if they know them!), and if they are allowed to use devices or screens while you’re gone. Before your child ever stays home alone, ensure your child has a reliable way to contact you and knows what do to if there is an emergency. Once you believe your child is ready to stay home alone, you might want to have your child practice staying home alone for increasing time increments of 15 or 30 minutes and have your child call and check in with you to make sure everything is going well. With modern video calling technology, a parent or trusted adult is never too far away. Before you allow your child to stay home alone, it is important to consider your child’s age, individual maturity level, personal responsibility and trustworthiness, proximity to helpful adult neighbors, among other factors. Some 11-year-olds may be responsible enough to be home after school for an hour until you get home from work and some 13-year-olds may not be. Whether a child should stay home unattended is a parenting decision based on your child’s individual personality, traits, and preparedness. There is no law in North or South Carolina that specifies the age when a child may be left unattended at home. In North Carolina, there is a fire code statute (N.C.G.S. § 14-318) which makes it a criminal offense to leave a child under age 8 locked or confined in a dwelling unattended by an adult. Per this statute, it would not be permissible to leave a child under the age of 8 at home unattended in North Carolina, because most parents would absolutely lock the doors of the house to keep their child safe. In South Carolina, it is unlawful for a parent to place a child at unreasonable risk of harm affecting the child’s life, physical or mental health, or safety (S.C. Code §63-5-70) and a parent could face neglect charges if found to have placed a child at unreasonable risk of harm. Some might interpret leaving a young child at home alone as “unreasonable risk of harm,” which would affect the safety of the child. If you are facing custody issues with your co-parent over decision making like whether or not your child is allowed to be at home alone and aren’t sure how to resolve them, please reach out to our office for a consultation. What if you Decide to Get Back Together? Reconciliation During the Separation and Divorce Process4/11/2024
At any point in the divorce process, you may decide to reconcile with your spouse. No matter how far gone the divorce process seems, you are in control of it and can always resume your relationship if you and your spouse agree to do so. While you can hit pause on the divorce process at any point, there may be some repercussions legally and financially once the process has commenced. Today’s blog post discusses the potential implications of getting back together with your spouse during the separation and divorce process.
Reconciliation or “resumption of marital relations” is the legal terminology used to refer to spouses resuming their marital relationship. Reconciling in the legal sense means that you move back in with your spouse, resume your sexual relationship, share finances and household (and parenting) responsibilities, and resume holding yourself out in society to be married. You should discuss the potential implications of reconciliating with your spouse with your family law attorney. 1. Reconciliation can affect, void, or modify a previously executed Separation Agreement. Depending upon the terms of your separation agreement, reconciling with your spouse can change, void, or modify your separation agreement contract. Your separation agreement should have a paragraph detailing what will happen to the terms of your separation agreement if you and your spouse get back together. If you are unclear about the effect of reconciliation on your separation agreement terms, reach out to your family law attorney. 2. Reconciliation restarts the clock for the 1-year separation period. For no-fault divorce in both North and South Carolina, you must be physically separated for one year, living under separate roofs, in order to file for divorce. If you reconcile and restart your marriage with your spouse, but then separate again, you will have to be separated for another full year before you would be eligible to file for divorce. 3. Reconciliation changes the valuation date of marital assets and debts for equitable distribution or apportionment. In North Carolina, when you separate, your marital assets and debts are valued from the date of separation for equitable distribution purposes. In South Carolina, your marital assets and debts are valued from the date of the filing of your divorce lawsuit for equitable apportionment purposes. If you reconcile with your spouse, but subsequently separate again, your marital assets and debts will be valued from the new date of separation (in North Carolina). If you reconcile with your spouse and dismiss your divorce lawsuit in South Carolina, then restart the proceedings at a later date, your marital assets and debts will be valued from the new date of filing of the renewed divorce proceeding. 4. Reconciliation typically excuses past adultery. If you and your supporting spouse separated over your spouse’s affair, your supporting spouse committed adultery (and you can prove it) and has the ability to pay alimony, then as a dependent spouse, you will be mandatorily awarded alimony. What happens if you get back together with your spouse after his or her affair? If you reconcile with your spouse, the adultery is typically seen by the court to have been forgiven by you. The legal term for this forgiveness is “condonation.” 5. Reconciliation impacts support orders or agreements. Parents have a legal obligation to financially support their child’s needs during separation and after divorce. If the parents resume sharing household and financial responsibilities for their child’s needs, then any child support obligation that a parent owes to the other parent will need to be modified. The parents can consent to a modification or dismiss their child support claim. Similarly, if an alimony obligation exists for either spouse, but the spouses resume living together and sharing financial responsibilities, the spouse who owes alimony will want to be sure that the legal obligation is terminated by consent order or formal agreement. Considering a resumption of your marriage and want to protect yourself financially and legally? Consider entering into a postnuptial agreement. This is a private, binding contract entered into during a marriage that can address matters related to property and debt distribution and spousal support in the event of a later separation or divorce. When you are ready to move forward with the divorce process, reach out to our office to schedule a consultation. As our blog post last week discussed, the most important part of selecting a therapist or counselor for your child is that your child trusts the therapist, meshes well with the therapist, and wants to continue to go to therapy. If the first therapist chosen isn't the right fit for your child, it is always okay to search for a therapist who can be a better fit. Below are a few considerations you should make when you are selecting a therapist for your child.
Considerations for a Child's Therapist. Knowledge and Experience Working with Children: You should connect your child to a therapist who specializes in treating children and has significant experience or training in doing so. Ask potential therapists about their training, certifications, and the percentage of their work that is devoted to child clients. Type of Therapy Provided: Is your child preschool age? Your child might need play therapy and you should look at therapists who provide that type of therapy. Has your child gone through a traumatic event(s)? That child may need a trauma-focused therapist or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to assist in processing the traumatic memories and associated symptoms. Are you concerned your child may also need medication to cope with their depression or anxiety symptoms? Your child may need a Psychiatrist or Nurse Practitioner who can prescribe medication, in addition to a talk therapist. Type of Clinician and Credentials: There are many different types of clinicians who are trained to provide therapy including Licensed Counselors (LPCs) or Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselors (LCMHCs), Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSWs), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFTs), Clinical Psychologists (PhDs), and more. All of these clinicians are highly trained to provide therapy but vary in the types of therapy modalities they utilize in their sessions and the way they approach therapy with a child. Cost: Many therapists and counselors do not accept insurance. They charge each client a flat rate cost out-of-pocket (or have a sliding scale fee for lower-income clients). Many therapists will provide a “Super Bill” to self-file with your insurance as an out-of-network provider. If you see many out-of-network providers, this can provide some relief from therapy costs once you hit your out-of-network maximum. If you need to make sure that a provider is in-network for insurance purposes, check the therapist’s website to see if they take your insurance. Psychology Today also lists the types of insurance each therapist takes, but the website may not be up to date, so it is important to always check with the therapist’s office directly. If you need child therapist referrals as your child navigates the separation and divorce transition, please feel free to reach out to our office. Our practice regularly intersects with local child therapists and we can refer you to child therapists that can meet your child’s needs. Should my child be in therapy or counseling during a separation / divorce?
If your child is struggling emotionally at home or in school, their behavior or mood is affecting their schoolwork or friendships, and the behavior or issues are continuing for more than a few days, your child should likely be in therapy or counseling. If your child is experiencing a major change in sleep habits or appetite, this can also be a sign that they are struggling and need to be connected to a counselor. Children who are actively struggling should be connected with a therapist sooner rather than later during the separation and divorce transition. Therapy or counseling provides a positive, safe space for the child to express their feelings around the divorce, the changes and transitions associated with the divorce, and helps the child learn to advocate for himself or herself throughout the divorce and beyond. A therapist or counselor is a trusted adult outside of the family with whom they can discuss their concerns and feelings. Having a “third place” (a therapist’s office) aside from home and school can be incredibly helpful for children adjusting to a new normal post-separation. Counseling allows a child to understand that the divorce is not their fault and can also strengthen a child’s relationship with both of their parents. Even if you’re not entirely sure your child needs a therapist, it cannot hurt to connect them to one. How do I find a therapist or counselor for my child? The best place to start is to ask your pediatrician or your child’s school guidance counselor for referrals to local therapists or counselors who specialize in working with children. If you do not find a child therapist with whom you think your child will connect from those referrals, ask trusted friends and other parents of children the same age if they have any counselor or therapist referrals. If you’d rather search for a therapist on your own without outside input, the Psychology Today website has a great “Find a Therapist” search function where you can narrow your search by geography, issues, gender, types of therapy provided, age, cost, and more. How do I select the right therapist or counselor for my child? What is most important in selecting the right therapist or counselor for a child is that a child’s personality meshes well with the chosen clinician. It is essential that the child wants to continue to see the therapist, so the therapy process is productive and effective for the child. If your child does not hit it off with the chosen therapist in the first few sessions, it is always okay to search for a new therapist that is a better fit for your child. Stay tuned for next week's blog post, which will detail considerations for choosing your child's therapist. If you need child therapist referrals as your child navigates the separation and divorce transition, please feel free to reach out to our office. Our practice regularly intersects with local child therapists and we can refer you to child therapists that can meet your child's needs. Are you forfeiting any property rights if you leave the marital home?
By leaving the marital home, you are not giving up your right to claim an interest in the home, or the personal property within the home. You do not need to be concerned that by leaving the marital home, you are abandoning your property or forfeiting your interest in that property. It should be noted that once you have left the marital home, you will not have any control over what occurs inside the home, including the maintenance and care of the home, furniture, or your personal belongings. We typically advise clients to take all irreplaceable items with them when they separate, including passport, social security card, birth certificate, family heirlooms, jewelry, and photos, etc. While you do not lose your right to these personal items, your spouse may or may not make it difficult to get them back once you’ve left. Once you have voluntarily left the marital home, your spouse remaining in the home will have an expectation of privacy, meaning you will not be able to come and go in the marital home as you please. After you voluntarily leave the marital home in North Carolina, it is illegal to enter back into the home without your spouse’s permission. Entering the home without permission is called “domestic criminal trespass,” and is a Class 1 misdemeanor in North Carolina (see N.C.G.S. § 14-134.3). You will still have a legal right to the home, but it will be your spouse’s temporary residence, and you cannot enter at will. Should I change the locks to force my spouse out of the marital home? In South Carolina, if you do not have a court order directing your spouse to vacate the home and your spouse is not leaving voluntarily, your spouse can enter back into the home even if you change the locks. In North Carolina, it is illegal to lock a spouse out of the marital home. The spouse still has a right to be in the marital home if they do not choose to leave voluntarily. When can I change the locks on the marital home? In North Carolina, you can change the locks on the marital home if your spouse voluntarily leaves the marital residence without the intention of returning, or if a court issues a Domestic Violence Protective Order granting you sole access to the marital home. In South Carolina, you can change the locks on the marital home if there is a court order granting you residency in the marital home. This can be a Decree of Separate Support and Maintenance, or a Divorce Decree. If you’re considering leaving the marital home or want your spouse to leave the marital home and need legal advice, please reach out to schedule a consultation with one of our lawyers. People age 50+ are usually focused on finalizing their financial security for retirement and divorce can greatly disrupt that security. Divorce has significant financial implications for younger couples, but can have devastating financial consequences for older couples. Be sure to discuss the financial implications of a property settlement or alimony agreement with your family law attorney, to ensure your future financial wellbeing.
What is Gray Divorce?
“Gray Divorce” is a phrase coined to describe couples getting divorced after the age of 50. More and more couples over the age of 50 are choosing divorce. Between 1990 and 2010, the baby boomer generation (those born between 1946 and 1964) saw their divorce rates double while other age groups’ divorce rates plateaued or even decreased. We have personally seen this statistic play out in our practice. In today’s blog post we discuss some of the reasons for the increase in gray divorce and what you need to consider financially as a divorcee going through a gray divorce. Why the increase in Gray Divorces?
In a situation where you have been divorced for several years and raised kids with your ex-spouse, what happens when your child turns 18 and becomes an “adult?” For years, you followed your child custody and child support agreement or order, shuttling your child back and forth between houses, alternating holidays and missing your kid on Christmas morning each year, scheduling vacation time in your allocated summer parenting time, splitting uninsured medical/extracurricular expenses with your co-parent, and paying (or receiving) child support. Once your child turns 18 and graduates from high school, your court-ordered obligations and custodial relationship change forever!
Court-Ordered Child Support Court-ordered child support ends when a child turns 18 and graduates from high school, in most circumstances. Court-ordered child support can be continued until a child turns 20 years old, or finishes their high school education, whichever occurs first, if a child does not graduate at 18 years old. Court-ordered child support can also be continued beyond 18 years old if a child has special needs or a disability. If court-ordered child support is in place, a North Carolina court cannot and will not order a parent to financially support a child after the child turns 18 and graduates from high school. In South Carolina, however, a court can mandate that a parent pay for a child’s college education, in some circumstances (not all! Speak with your South Carolina attorney about this). Most parents are providing financially for their children after high school graduation, but your legal court-ordered obligation to pay the other parent child support ceases. Child Support Agreement Some parents agree to financial support obligations after a child graduates from high school, so if you came to an agreement with your spouse outside of a traditional court setting, refer back to your child support agreement to determine if you have support obligations post-high school graduation. For instance, some parents agree to be legally obligated to pay a portion of their children’s college expenses or even wedding expenses. Terminating Child Support If you are paying court-ordered child support, you need to file a motion to terminate your support obligation. At the scheduled hearing date, bring proof of the circumstances (for instance, a copy of your child’s high school diploma along with their birth certificate) to terminate child support. The judge will allow you to present the evidence and will terminate your child support with proof that your child has both turned 18 and graduated from high school. Court-Ordered Child Custody or Child Custody Agreements Child custody agreements and child custody orders cease when your child reaches 18 years old. Once your child is a legal adult, your child will be free to choose where they live, with whom they live, and how often they see you and their other parent. This is why it is so imperative to build a deep, lasting relationship with your child while they are young, so they want to spend time with you after the custody order ceases and they’re no longer required to spend time with you. So often in our profession, we see divorced parents using their kids as pawns throughout their childhood to get back at their ex-spouse, failing to show up consistently in their children’s lives, and failing to recognize how important it is to put in the work to have a good relationship with your child while they’re young. Be wise about your relationship-building with your child throughout their childhood and show up for your kid! If they know you love and support them, they will very likely keep a relationship with you throughout their adult years and rely upon you for that same love and support. Do you have questions about what happens in your specific situation when your child turns 18? Give us a call or click the button below to schedule a consultation. Is your co-parent often sending texts and emails that are accusatory and rude? Your initial response may be to respond in kind with an equally rude tone, which will increase the conflict between you and your child’s other parent. Is that really best for your child, though? You need to be able to effectively co-parent with your child’s other parent for years, even beyond your child turning eighteen and becoming an adult.
We recommend that you invest in your co-parenting relationship by taking the high road in communications, and responding using Bill Eddy’s “BIFF” Response method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Find an article detailing Bill Eddy’s “BIFF” method for communications with high-conflict people at the following link. Continue reading below for our own firm’s commentary on Bill Eddy’s BIFF Response method.
If you are dealing with a difficult co-parent after separation, please reach out to our office for assistance. Our goal is to assist our clients in moving through their separation and divorce while lessening the animosity and conflict between spouses and co-parents. Adjusting to life after separation and divorce can be a challenge for all members of a family, but it can be especially difficult for children. Deciding the most appropriate time to introduce your children to a new dating partner after separation and divorce is an individual decision that considers several factors including your own readiness, the children’s readiness, legal ramifications, and your co-parent’s opinion and position. In today’s blog post, we outline a few questions to ask yourself to help determine when to introduce a new dating partner to your children after a separation or divorce.
Does your custody order mention a relationship-length requirement prior to the introduction of a new dating partner to your child? Are you and your new dating partner in a serious, long-term relationship? Many custody orders include provisions that require you to be in a long-term relationship with your new dating partner for a certain length of time (3 to 6 months is most common) before introducing the new dating partner to your child. When considering whether now is the right time to introduce your child to your new dating partner, first refer back to your custody order to determine if you have a relationship-length provision that you would need to follow. Your custody order might also require you to notify your co-parent of your intention to introduce your child to your new dating partner as a courtesy before you actually introduce the child. Have you spoken to your co-parent about your new dating partner? Have you given your co-parent the opportunity to meet and speak with your new dating partner? It may take your co-parent a little while to come around to the idea of you introducing a new dating partner to your child, especially if you are the first parent to start dating after the divorce. Your new relationship will be better received with your kids if you have an open and honest conversation with your co-parent about the new relationship and your co-parent is on board with supporting (or at least not naysaying) your new relationship. Your co-parent may also be more comfortable with your kids meeting your new dating partner if you allow your co-parent to meet your new dating partner before introducing them to your kids. How long have you been separated or divorced? If separated: As family law attorneys, we do not recommend introducing your child to a new dating partner if you are not legally divorced. If you engage in a sexual relationship with someone who is not your spouse prior to your date of divorce, that is considered adultery in both North and South Carolina and could result in legal and financial ramifications. By introducing your child to a new dating partner prior to your legal divorce, you are opening up a legal can of worms that will unnecessarily complicate your situation. If divorced: If the ink on your divorce decree hasn’t even dried yet, you may want to wait a bit to introduce your children to a new dating partner. While you (and your co-parent) may have adjusted to the idea that you will have a new partner, children often take longer to adjust to the idea that their parents will no longer be together. Please reach out to our office if you need legal representation for your separation or divorce. |
AuthorLindsey Dasher is the Managing Partner at Dasher Law PLLC Archives
April 2024
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