Divorce Differently |
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Today’s digital world makes all of us more connected than ever. Your kids are inevitably going to be on the internet through mobile devices for schoolwork, socializing, and entertainment. It is important to monitor their internet and device use to protect them from the negative aspects of the digital world and encourage their face-to-face interactions with peers, family, and the greater community. It is especially important to have a parental control and monitoring plan when you share time with your minor children with a co-parent. Today’s blog post gives you an overview of what types of parental controls exist and some limitations of parental controls.
What are parental controls? Parental controls are features integrated into different devices, apps, games, and software that allow you to restrict your child’s access to content. Parental controls can be on your internet service, on the device itself, within a specific app, or installed third-party software on a device. What types of parental controls exist?
Do I need to pay for parental control software? Not necessarily. Some parents may not deem it necessary to install or utilize parental controls, but instead manage expectations with the child through open communication or doing random screens of their child’s text messages, call logs, and app usage. There are many free options available with your current cell phone plan provider, internet service provider, in-app parental controls, and router internet restrictions that you can utilize to manage your child’s screentime. Sometimes parents find these included parental controls sufficient for monitoring and limiting their child’s screentime. Sometimes parents deem it necessary to pay for additional monitoring to keep their child’s internet and device usage safe and healthy. As with all parenting decisions, this is up to you and what you think is best for your child and your family’s needs. The Difficulty of Social Media Monitoring Most parental control software allows you to block certain apps, like social media, but if you allow your child to have social media, most software cannot monitor your child’s content, communication, or activity within the social media apps. While many parental control apps allow you to monitor your child’s SMS text messages, they do not monitor messaging apps like WhatsApp or Snapchat. You can block app downloads or require permission from you for your child to download an app like WhatsApp or Snapchat as an alternative. Monitoring social media is a whole different beast from general internet monitoring and device usage monitoring. Video Streaming Platform Monitoring If you want to limit what your child can watch on video streaming platforms like Netflix, Hulu, or Disney+, you need to adjust the settings of each video streaming platform rather than rely upon a parental control software to limit your child’s viewing capabilities. Many of the video streaming platforms allow you to set a kid-friendly profile and prevent your child from switching to an adult-only profile by requiring a password or PIN number in order to access the adult-only profiles. This is just scratching the surface of parental control basics. Stay tuned for next week’s blog post about free mobile device monitoring options! 1. Plan the conversation with your co-parent ahead of time.
Decide what, when, and how you will tell the children about the separation and divorce. Be sure to tell them on a day when they will have time to process the conversation and when you will be around to answer questions, comfort them, and provide a sturdy foundation for them to process their feelings. It’s a plus if both parents can be present for this conversation and stick around to support the children’s emotional wellbeing after the conversation. If you have multiple children, be sure to tell them at the same time so an older sibling does not inadvertently spill the beans to the younger children. 2. Explain in an age-appropriate way. Explain how the separation and divorce will affect the child in terms of living and sleeping arrangements, school and sports, and holidays. If you have kids of multiple ages, plan to talk to the children together in one conversation and then have separate conversations with the older children to discuss it on their age-appropriate level. An age-appropriate script for a younger child might be: “Mom and Dad are going to live in separate houses. We will both take care of you. You will sleep at Mom’s house some days and Dad’s house other days. We will let you know ahead of time where you will be sleeping. We could even work together to make a calendar so you always know what days you will be with Mom and Dad.” For an older child, it might be more nuanced and detailed: “Mom is moving to an apartment down the street. She will pick you up from sports practice after school on her days with you. You’ll spend one week with Mom and one week with Dad and we’ll alternate. You can call or talk to either of us whenever you want.” This won’t be a one-time conversation with kids. You will continue to talk about the why, how, and the logistics of the separation and divorce over and over again with your kids as they adjust to their new normal. 3. Do not overshare adult information, even with teens. Depending on your kids’ ages, they may desire to understand the reasons behind the separation and divorce. They may internalize fault and believe they are the reason you are getting divorced, if you don’t give some information regarding the reasons for the breakdown in your marriage; however, that doesn’t mean they can conceptualize your adult relationship and should have all of the information. They do not need to be privy to the legal proceedings, court documents (even if it is an agreement between you and the other parent), mediation dates, court dates, child support, and spousal support, among other adult matters. They do not need to be informed on the amount of child support Mom pays Dad and whether she has paid child support that month. You can shield your children from conflict between you and your spouse by keeping the children on a need-to-know basis. The children need to know where they will sleep each night, who will pick them up from school/practice/clubs, and when they’ll need to participate in family or individual counseling to help them through this transition. 4. Speak Kindly About the Other Parent. Avoid blaming or assigning fault in the separation and divorce. When speaking with your children, focus on you and your co-parent being a unit in co-parenting and lead from the “we” position. Don’t lead with “Dad had an affair” or “Mom is leaving us.” It is more appropriate to say something like “We have been trying to fix our relationship and it’s not working. We need to live in separate houses and just be friends and your parents now, not spouses.” This is a more neutral position that will allow your children to continue to build a solid relationship with each parent, rather than blaming one parent (or themselves) for the divorce. 5. Tell the Truth. There are a lot of unknowns at the beginning of a separation and divorce. Don’t promise things you might not be able to deliver, like that they won’t have to move, or they will stay in their same school. While you might desire that outcome in your divorce, it may not be possible. Tell the truth and reassure them about the things you know will stay the same. 6. Maintain consistency throughout both homes. While the kids might struggle to adjust and transition between parents’ houses, keep your rules, behavior expectation and consequences, bedtimes, and mealtimes as consistent as possible in both homes. Maintaining consistency provides children with the structure and foundation they need in a time of many unknowns. If you are struggling to figure out how to address these issues with your children, reach out to our office to schedule a consultation. We can provide referrals to great therapists who work with children of divorce to process their complex emotions and give them coping strategies. We can also help you navigate the legalities of separation and divorce in North Carolina or South Carolina. When separated and divorced parents have a difficult time communicating about their children, there’s a smartphone app for that! There are actually several co-parenting apps, but the one we see most commonly utilized by parents is “Our Family Wizard” (others are “TalkingParents,” “AppClose,” and “2Houses,” among others). Using a co-parenting app usually only comes into play in a divorce if one or both parents are having a difficult time keeping the topic of conversations strictly limited to child-related issues. Utilizing a co-parenting app can eliminate or limit hostile back and forth with your co-parent. Divorce is an emotional and difficult road and conversations with your co-parent can be similarly emotional and difficult. A co-parenting app can help both parents effectively co-parent, and also includes many other useful features, which we discuss below.
Communication By utilizing a co-parenting app, all communications between the parents will be in writing and preserved with a date and timestamp, so no one can say something rude or inappropriate and then delete or edit it. Our Family Wizard messages are preserved if needed to refer back to later, or if needed for a court proceeding. A co-parenting app is a much more streamlined method of communication compared to text messages or emails. Calendar Our Family Wizard and other co-parenting apps also have a calendar feature to see the children’s schedules, the parenting time schedule, and holiday schedule(s) at a glance. Co-parents are constantly juggling the parents’ work and travel schedules, the children’s extracurricular activity schedules, doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments, and the day-to-day activities that raising kids requires. A co-parenting app calendar allows for all child-related events to be recorded in one place, which eliminates unnecessary communication with a co-parent. Child-Related Expense Reconciliation Most co-parenting apps also provide a way for the parents to reconcile child-related expenses by uploading receipts and breaking down on a pro rata basis how much each parent owes for child-related expenses. By dealing with joint expenses online, you can avoid the uncomfortable conversations about what each parent owes the other. You can also avoid math mistakes when dividing up the bills, since the app does the math for you. Child-Related Document Portal Another wonderful feature of most of these co-parenting apps is that you can upload important documents related to the children to the secure portal, so no one has to maintain their own paper copies or hound the other parent for originals. Insurance cards, copies of passports, school information, and more can be saved in the information portal for easy access by both parents. If communication with your co-parent is going haywire, reach out to us to schedule a consultation. We can advise you on your best next steps to streamline your communications with your co-parent in order to cultivate a more peaceful co-parenting relationship. Generally, the IRS rules only allow one parent to claim the child as a dependent on his or her taxes. Per the IRS, the primary custodial parent is the one who is eligible to claim the minor child as a dependent on their taxes each year. The primary custodial parent is the parent with whom the child spent the most overnights that tax filing year. It is not permitted for both parents to claim the same child on their taxes in the same year. There are many nuances to these IRS rules, so it is best to discuss your tax situation with your tax professional or CPA. Your family law attorney is not a tax expert. Family law attorneys commonly address this issue within the parents’ Separation Agreement, however, so this is one situation where tax law and family law are interconnected.
If you share equal parenting time of the child with the child’s other parent and there is not one primary custodial parent, the IRS rules dictate that the parent with the higher Adjusted Gross Income (“AGI”) claims the child as a dependent on their taxes. If the parents make an equal amount of money, then there are other agreements you can make to resolve the issue of which parent claims the child as a dependent. It is best to address these issues in your Separation Agreement prior to your divorce. One solution is that you and your co-parent agree to alternate yearly who claims the minor child as a dependent. For instance, Mother claims the child in odd-numbered years and Father claims the child in even-numbered years. If there are two children, you could agree that one parent claims one child each year. If there are three or more children, you can agree on an alternating schedule so that each parent claims at least one child as a dependent each year. It may be necessary for one parent to complete the IRS Form 8332, the “Release of Claim to Exemption for Child by Custodial Parent,” in order for the other parent to be permitted to claim the child as a dependent pursuant to the parents’ Separation Agreement. If this is confusing, it’s not just you! Family law matters can be very complicated. If you need an family law attorney to guide you through this process, please reach out to schedule a consultation. You might have heard about celebrities like Britney Spears or Dennis Rodman filing for an annulment and wondered why they would seek an annulment instead of filing for divorce. Most people do not begin their marriages with the expectation that it will end (except by death do us part). When most people seek to end their marriages, they usually do file for divorce. In rare and limited circumstances, however, an annulment may be the more appropriate resolution. Annulment is a legal process that declares the marriage never existed because the marriage contract was not valid to begin with. Most marriages will not be eligible for annulment, but there are some that will be.
What are the grounds for obtaining an annulment of your marriage? North Carolina grounds for annulment (N.C.G.S. § 51-3):
What’s the difference between a divorce and an annulment? The annulment of a marriage means that legally speaking, the marriage never existed because the marriage contract was invalid at the time it was entered. A divorce legally dissolves a valid marriage. If your marriage is annulled, you do not have a claim to equitable distribution (in North Carolina) or equitable apportionment (in South Carolina) because there was not a valid marriage, so there were never any “marital assets” or “marital debts” that could be distributed upon the dissolution of the marriage. If you believe you may be eligible for an annulment or want to know more about your options for divorce, please call our office or click the button below to schedule a consultation. |
AuthorLindsey Dasher is the Managing Partner at Dasher Law PLLC Archives
May 2024
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