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What is Gray Divorce?
“Gray Divorce” is a phrase coined to describe couples getting divorced after the age of 50. More and more couples over the age of 50 are choosing divorce. Between 1990 and 2010, the baby boomer generation (those born between 1946 and 1964) saw their divorce rates double while other age groups’ divorce rates plateaued or even decreased. We have personally seen this statistic play out in our practice. In today’s blog post we discuss some of the reasons for the increase in gray divorce and what you need to consider financially as a divorcee going through a gray divorce. Why the increase in Gray Divorces?
In a situation where you have been divorced for several years and raised kids with your ex-spouse, what happens when your child turns 18 and becomes an “adult?” For years, you followed your child custody and child support agreement or order, shuttling your child back and forth between houses, alternating holidays and missing your kid on Christmas morning each year, scheduling vacation time in your allocated summer parenting time, splitting uninsured medical/extracurricular expenses with your co-parent, and paying (or receiving) child support. Once your child turns 18 and graduates from high school, your court-ordered obligations and custodial relationship change forever!
Court-Ordered Child Support Court-ordered child support ends when a child turns 18 and graduates from high school, in most circumstances. Court-ordered child support can be continued until a child turns 20 years old, or finishes their high school education, whichever occurs first, if a child does not graduate at 18 years old. Court-ordered child support can also be continued beyond 18 years old if a child has special needs or a disability. If court-ordered child support is in place, a North Carolina court cannot and will not order a parent to financially support a child after the child turns 18 and graduates from high school. In South Carolina, however, a court can mandate that a parent pay for a child’s college education, in some circumstances (not all! Speak with your South Carolina attorney about this). Most parents are providing financially for their children after high school graduation, but your legal court-ordered obligation to pay the other parent child support ceases. Child Support Agreement Some parents agree to financial support obligations after a child graduates from high school, so if you came to an agreement with your spouse outside of a traditional court setting, refer back to your child support agreement to determine if you have support obligations post-high school graduation. For instance, some parents agree to be legally obligated to pay a portion of their children’s college expenses or even wedding expenses. Terminating Child Support If you are paying court-ordered child support, you need to file a motion to terminate your support obligation. At the scheduled hearing date, bring proof of the circumstances (for instance, a copy of your child’s high school diploma along with their birth certificate) to terminate child support. The judge will allow you to present the evidence and will terminate your child support with proof that your child has both turned 18 and graduated from high school. Court-Ordered Child Custody or Child Custody Agreements Child custody agreements and child custody orders cease when your child reaches 18 years old. Once your child is a legal adult, your child will be free to choose where they live, with whom they live, and how often they see you and their other parent. This is why it is so imperative to build a deep, lasting relationship with your child while they are young, so they want to spend time with you after the custody order ceases and they’re no longer required to spend time with you. So often in our profession, we see divorced parents using their kids as pawns throughout their childhood to get back at their ex-spouse, failing to show up consistently in their children’s lives, and failing to recognize how important it is to put in the work to have a good relationship with your child while they’re young. Be wise about your relationship-building with your child throughout their childhood and show up for your kid! If they know you love and support them, they will very likely keep a relationship with you throughout their adult years and rely upon you for that same love and support. Do you have questions about what happens in your specific situation when your child turns 18? Give us a call or click the button below to schedule a consultation. Is your co-parent often sending texts and emails that are accusatory and rude? Your initial response may be to respond in kind with an equally rude tone, which will increase the conflict between you and your child’s other parent. Is that really best for your child, though? You need to be able to effectively co-parent with your child’s other parent for years, even beyond your child turning eighteen and becoming an adult.
We recommend that you invest in your co-parenting relationship by taking the high road in communications, and responding using Bill Eddy’s “BIFF” Response method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Find an article detailing Bill Eddy’s “BIFF” method for communications with high-conflict people at the following link. Continue reading below for our own firm’s commentary on Bill Eddy’s BIFF Response method.
If you are dealing with a difficult co-parent after separation, please reach out to our office for assistance. Our goal is to assist our clients in moving through their separation and divorce while lessening the animosity and conflict between spouses and co-parents. Adjusting to life after separation and divorce can be a challenge for all members of a family, but it can be especially difficult for children. Deciding the most appropriate time to introduce your children to a new dating partner after separation and divorce is an individual decision that considers several factors including your own readiness, the children’s readiness, legal ramifications, and your co-parent’s opinion and position. In today’s blog post, we outline a few questions to ask yourself to help determine when to introduce a new dating partner to your children after a separation or divorce.
Does your custody order mention a relationship-length requirement prior to the introduction of a new dating partner to your child? Are you and your new dating partner in a serious, long-term relationship? Many custody orders include provisions that require you to be in a long-term relationship with your new dating partner for a certain length of time (3 to 6 months is most common) before introducing the new dating partner to your child. When considering whether now is the right time to introduce your child to your new dating partner, first refer back to your custody order to determine if you have a relationship-length provision that you would need to follow. Your custody order might also require you to notify your co-parent of your intention to introduce your child to your new dating partner as a courtesy before you actually introduce the child. Have you spoken to your co-parent about your new dating partner? Have you given your co-parent the opportunity to meet and speak with your new dating partner? It may take your co-parent a little while to come around to the idea of you introducing a new dating partner to your child, especially if you are the first parent to start dating after the divorce. Your new relationship will be better received with your kids if you have an open and honest conversation with your co-parent about the new relationship and your co-parent is on board with supporting (or at least not naysaying) your new relationship. Your co-parent may also be more comfortable with your kids meeting your new dating partner if you allow your co-parent to meet your new dating partner before introducing them to your kids. How long have you been separated or divorced? If separated: As family law attorneys, we do not recommend introducing your child to a new dating partner if you are not legally divorced. If you engage in a sexual relationship with someone who is not your spouse prior to your date of divorce, that is considered adultery in both North and South Carolina and could result in legal and financial ramifications. By introducing your child to a new dating partner prior to your legal divorce, you are opening up a legal can of worms that will unnecessarily complicate your situation. If divorced: If the ink on your divorce decree hasn’t even dried yet, you may want to wait a bit to introduce your children to a new dating partner. While you (and your co-parent) may have adjusted to the idea that you will have a new partner, children often take longer to adjust to the idea that their parents will no longer be together. Please reach out to our office if you need legal representation for your separation or divorce. Lindsey and Catherine are both members of the Charlotte Collaborative Divorce Professionals group, a local practice group that provides Collaborative Divorce options to couples in the Charlotte metropolitan area looking to “divorce differently.” The practice group has professional members from several different fields, including attorneys, divorce coaches, financial neutrals, and child specialists, who, along with the couple in a case, make up the collaborative team. Couples wishing to have a collaborative divorce must choose attorneys who are collaboratively trained and enter into a Collaborative Law Participation Agreement. The Collaborative Law Participation Agreement states that you and your spouse agree to work as a team to determine what’s best for your family as a whole, to not pursue litigation, and to engage in negotiations and the collaborative divorce process with candor. The Charlotte Collaborative Divorce Professionals group recently produced some videos to help educate spouses discerning separation and divorce on collaborative divorce. Please take a moment to watch these videos and learn about collaborative divorce and its advantages. Videos: What is Collaborative Divorce? Advantages of Collaborative Divorce Benefits of a Collaborative Divorce Overview of Benefits of Collaborative Divorce Please check out the Charlotte Collaborative Divorce Professionals’ website, or reach out to our office to schedule a consultation to learn more about whether a Collaborative Divorce may be the right choice for you and your spouse. Can my 401(k) be divided upon divorce?
A 401(k) is subject to division between spouses upon divorce under equitable distribution (in North Carolina) or equitable apportionment (in South Carolina) laws. Even if your spouse was a stay-at-home parent throughout your marriage and did not contribute financially to your employer-sponsored 401(k) account, your spouse may still be entitled to a portion of the 401(k) funds. “Equitable” distribution or apportionment does not necessarily mean equal division of each account in your marital estate. Typically, we try to avoid splitting every account down the middle. Our goal with equitable distribution or apportionment is to creatively and practically apportion 50% of the marital estate to each spouse without making additional work or costing additional money for the spouses or attorneys to divide accounts. That means we may distribute one account in its entirety to one spouse, but balance the value of that account in the marital estate by distributing a different account entirely to the other spouse. When is your spouse entitled to a portion of your 401(k)? It depends on when your 401(k) was established and funded. If you have a 401(k) that you accumulated prior to marriage, those funds are considered “separate property” and are not subject to division in divorce. If you established and contributed to a 401(k) during your marriage, it is considered “marital property” and is subject to distribution in divorce. If your marital 401(k) increased or decreased passively after the date of separation but before the 401(k) is divided between the spouses, that passive increase or decrease in value of the 401(k) is “divisible” upon the divorce. If some of your 401(k) was established or funded prior to marriage, some during marriage, and some after the date of separation, it is trickier to establish what portion is “marital” and subject to equitable distribution. What is required to divide a 401(k) account? Dividing a 401(k) in a divorce typically requires a special court order called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order. Having your attorney draft and submit a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (“QDRO”) costs additional money and time, so if there is a way to make both spouses whole (each receiving a satisfactory portion of the net marital estate) without dividing up the 401(k), that is preferred. If such an apportionment is impossible, and a 401(k) account must be divided, your lawyer can draft a QDRO, you and your spouse will sign it, then the QDRO will be submitted to the judge for signature. Once the QDRO is entered by a judge, it can be submitted to your 401(k) plan administrator to facilitate a distribution of a portion of the 401(k) to your spouse. If you need a QDRO drafted, or want to know more about 401(k) division in divorce, please schedule a consultation with one of our attorneys and we can walk you through the process. What is a nesting arrangement?
A nesting arrangement is a custody agreement wherein the children remain in the family home and the separated parents take turns staying in the family home with the children during their respective parenting times. Nesting is an alternative to a more traditional custody arrangement where the children alternate time at each parent’s respective home. When a parent is not exercising parenting time in the family home in a nesting arrangement, the “off-duty” parent stays at an alternate residence. The alternate residence could be an apartment that the co-parents use when they are not exercising their parenting time, two separate homes/apartments (one for each parent when they are not exercising their parenting time), a second home that the parents already own, or an extra room at a friend or family member’s home. Is nesting a long-term solution? Typically, nesting is not a practical solution long-term even if you are the best of friends with your co-parent. Consider the following complications that might arise in a long-term nesting arrangement. Lack of stability for parents: While nesting allows the children to experience a smoother transition while their parents are initially separating and figuring out the divorce, it does not provide that same consistency for parents who are rotating in and out of the family home week after week. Nesting can become exhausting for the parents who are constantly moving their personal items in and out of the family home, living out of a bag, returning to the family home in a different state of cleanliness than they prefer, and “sharing” space with their former spouse. Children can have their own clothes and toys at each parent’s respective home if parents are engaging in a traditional custody arrangement, rather than living out of a bag. New romantic relationship negotiations: Nesting can become untenable and awkward after the divorce as parents begin to date and enter into new romantic relationships, which requires more serious conversations. Are dating partners allowed in the family home during each parent’s respective parenting time? Are dating partners allowed to sleep over in the family home with the children present? These issues can be delicate to navigate emotionally, even for parents who are committed to their children as their top priority. Financial considerations: Nesting can also cost more if you are renting up to two other living spaces, or it can become awkward if you’re having to share your “off-duty” residence with your co-parent, even if there are two bedrooms where each parent can have their own personal space. Nesting prevents a clean break financially because co-parents are sharing the costs of the family home, and potentially delaying the sale of the family home. When is a nesting arrangement a good option? Priority=children: Nesting may be a good option if the parents’ top goal is to provide stability and consistency for the children throughout separation and divorce. Nesting provides comfort and routine for the children as their family structure changes. It can be a wonderful option as the children adjust to the “new normal” of their parents’ separation and divorce. Excellent communication: Nesting may be the right choice if the parents are able to communicate respectfully, consistently, and make decisions together without disagreement. Nesting arrangements require much more communication than parenting in two households. If conversations with your spouse often end in disagreements, nesting is probably not the right choice for you. Financial security: Nesting is an option if there is no immediate need to sell the family home. Parents who can afford one or even two additional abodes (so the parents don’t have to share a residence when they are not exercising their parenting time) may consider nesting as a viable option. Nesting can be a low-cost option if both parents have family or friends they can live with on their “off-duty” time from parenting and they do not need to rent or buy another home or two. How do you ensure that nesting is successful? Nesting will be much more successful if you establish ground rules and maintain consistent communication between the parents. The parents need to discuss and agree upon issues that might arise and how they will handle each situation. For example, what will constitute “personal space” in the family home for each parent? It is best if each parent has their own bedroom in the family home during the nesting arrangement, so they can leave some personal items and have an expectation of privacy. What will each parent’s household and child-related responsibilities be while they are nesting? Establish a written agreement outlining household responsibilities for the family home. For example, who will pay the utility bills, how chores will be handled, who will be responsible for scheduling or completing household maintenance items (like pest control, gutter cleaning, lawnmowing, etc.), and what the expectation of cleanliness is for the family home upon the transition to the next parent. Having agreements like this will allow a nesting arrangement to continue successfully. If you think a nesting arrangement might be the right fit for you, please reach out to our firm to schedule a consultation and discuss your child custody situation with one of our experienced attorneys. If you want to delve deeper into Parental Controls on your child’s devices, you may consider paying for an additional monitoring subscription or a third-party monitoring app. Here we list some of the paid offerings for parental controls that exist as of the writing of this blog post. This list is not exhaustive, as new technologies are being released frequently.
Paid Device Parental Controls through Your Phone Provider Verizon
The TMobile Family Mode App allows you to filter your child’s web browsing on their device, set internet time limits, pause the internet for a child’s device, share location information, and send “rewards” to your child like extending a time limit and allowing for a later “bedtime” on the time limits. AT&T The AT&T Secure Family App allows you to enable location tracking on your children’s devices, manage your children’s screen time, filter or block apps and online content, view your child’s internet and app usage for the previous 30 days, set location alerts if your child leaves or enters a saved area, and allows a device to send an “SOS alert” to the whole family. It is $7.99 per month, which includes support for up to 10 family members and up to 30 devices. Third-Party Apps
For your first foray into parental control of mobile devices, you may want to keep it simple. There are several free options to monitor your children’s online presence and device use. It is advisable to have a conversation with your children so they understand you will be monitoring their device usage and online presence as they learn how to use their devices appropriately. You will want to teach your children about basic online etiquette like how to keep personal information private and what a scam is and how to avoid them. Check up on your children regularly, without sneaking around. Be open to expanding internet and device usage agreements with your children as they grown, learn, and earn your trust. The monitoring level a child under 13 requires is much higher than a 16-year-old.
That being said, please review this list of free parental control options that you can set up on your child’s device(s) and apps. This list is not exhaustive and is just a sample of the free parental controls available. In-App Parental Controls You can find parental controls within the settings of an app itself. For example, the Google Play Store and the Apple App Store both have settings that allow you to filter the content your child sees and require a password for certain apps to be downloaded. This is a great first step toward securing your child’s device so they can use it safely. Device Parental Controls Android Devices: The Android operating system allows you to set up multiple user accounts on a smartphone. You can create a child’s profile within the smartphone to limit the content and apps your child has access to. To turn on this feature, go to Settings > System > Multiple Users > and turn on the “Multiple Users” option. To switch to a child’s profile, swipe down from the top of your phone and click the blue “User” icon. Apple Devices: Apple has built-in parental controls for any iPhone or iPad running iOS 12 and higher. To monitor each child’s device, add your child to your family group in the device Settings > Screen Time. It will link to your child’s iCloud account, or you will need to create one for their device. Then, you can limit the apps, limit online access, set screentime limits your child has in their own iCloud account. Parental Control Apps Google Family Link app: Google has a free app parents can download to help manage Android devices. This app requires you to link your child’s Google account or create one. From your phone, you can put restrictions in place on your child’s account, like which apps may be installed, set screentime limits, set a device bedtime, remotely lockdown the device when it is not time to be on it, etc. YouTube Kids Monitoring within the Google Family Link app: You can change settings on YouTube Kids (which is a separate app from YouTube with limited functionality) from within the Google Family Link app. YouTube Kids has content levels for three different age groups: Preschoolers, Younger Kids (age 8 and under), and Older Kids (ages 8-12). Microsoft Family Safety app: Microsoft offers a free version of this app which allows you to apply screen time limits to devices, apps, and games, provides activity summaries, limit apps and games the device can download, limit web and search filters, and provides location sharing, among other features. This app allows you to set the limits across many different devices, including Window-based computers, Android phones, and Xboxes. There is also a paid version of the app, which offers more extensive features and capabilities. While free parental control options may be all you need, stay tuned for next week’s post about paid parental control apps and subscriptions! Today’s digital world makes all of us more connected than ever. Your kids are inevitably going to be on the internet through mobile devices for schoolwork, socializing, and entertainment. It is important to monitor their internet and device use to protect them from the negative aspects of the digital world and encourage their face-to-face interactions with peers, family, and the greater community. It is especially important to have a parental control and monitoring plan when you share time with your minor children with a co-parent. Today’s blog post gives you an overview of what types of parental controls exist and some limitations of parental controls.
What are parental controls? Parental controls are features integrated into different devices, apps, games, and software that allow you to restrict your child’s access to content. Parental controls can be on your internet service, on the device itself, within a specific app, or installed third-party software on a device. What types of parental controls exist?
Do I need to pay for parental control software? Not necessarily. Some parents may not deem it necessary to install or utilize parental controls, but instead manage expectations with the child through open communication or doing random screens of their child’s text messages, call logs, and app usage. There are many free options available with your current cell phone plan provider, internet service provider, in-app parental controls, and router internet restrictions that you can utilize to manage your child’s screentime. Sometimes parents find these included parental controls sufficient for monitoring and limiting their child’s screentime. Sometimes parents deem it necessary to pay for additional monitoring to keep their child’s internet and device usage safe and healthy. As with all parenting decisions, this is up to you and what you think is best for your child and your family’s needs. The Difficulty of Social Media Monitoring Most parental control software allows you to block certain apps, like social media, but if you allow your child to have social media, most software cannot monitor your child’s content, communication, or activity within the social media apps. While many parental control apps allow you to monitor your child’s SMS text messages, they do not monitor messaging apps like WhatsApp or Snapchat. You can block app downloads or require permission from you for your child to download an app like WhatsApp or Snapchat as an alternative. Monitoring social media is a whole different beast from general internet monitoring and device usage monitoring. Video Streaming Platform Monitoring If you want to limit what your child can watch on video streaming platforms like Netflix, Hulu, or Disney+, you need to adjust the settings of each video streaming platform rather than rely upon a parental control software to limit your child’s viewing capabilities. Many of the video streaming platforms allow you to set a kid-friendly profile and prevent your child from switching to an adult-only profile by requiring a password or PIN number in order to access the adult-only profiles. This is just scratching the surface of parental control basics. Stay tuned for next week’s blog post about free mobile device monitoring options! |
AuthorsLindsey Dasher and Catherine Smith are experienced family law attorneys at Dasher Law, PLLC. Archives
May 2024
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