Divorce Differently |
Divorce Differently |
1. Plan the conversation with your co-parent ahead of time.
Decide what, when, and how you will tell the children about the separation and divorce. Be sure to tell them on a day when they will have time to process the conversation and when you will be around to answer questions, comfort them, and provide a sturdy foundation for them to process their feelings. It’s a plus if both parents can be present for this conversation and stick around to support the children’s emotional wellbeing after the conversation. If you have multiple children, be sure to tell them at the same time so an older sibling does not inadvertently spill the beans to the younger children. 2. Explain in an age-appropriate way. Explain how the separation and divorce will affect the child in terms of living and sleeping arrangements, school and sports, and holidays. If you have kids of multiple ages, plan to talk to the children together in one conversation and then have separate conversations with the older children to discuss it on their age-appropriate level. An age-appropriate script for a younger child might be: “Mom and Dad are going to live in separate houses. We will both take care of you. You will sleep at Mom’s house some days and Dad’s house other days. We will let you know ahead of time where you will be sleeping. We could even work together to make a calendar so you always know what days you will be with Mom and Dad.” For an older child, it might be more nuanced and detailed: “Mom is moving to an apartment down the street. She will pick you up from sports practice after school on her days with you. You’ll spend one week with Mom and one week with Dad and we’ll alternate. You can call or talk to either of us whenever you want.” This won’t be a one-time conversation with kids. You will continue to talk about the why, how, and the logistics of the separation and divorce over and over again with your kids as they adjust to their new normal. 3. Do not overshare adult information, even with teens. Depending on your kids’ ages, they may desire to understand the reasons behind the separation and divorce. They may internalize fault and believe they are the reason you are getting divorced, if you don’t give some information regarding the reasons for the breakdown in your marriage; however, that doesn’t mean they can conceptualize your adult relationship and should have all of the information. They do not need to be privy to the legal proceedings, court documents (even if it is an agreement between you and the other parent), mediation dates, court dates, child support, and spousal support, among other adult matters. They do not need to be informed on the amount of child support Mom pays Dad and whether she has paid child support that month. You can shield your children from conflict between you and your spouse by keeping the children on a need-to-know basis. The children need to know where they will sleep each night, who will pick them up from school/practice/clubs, and when they’ll need to participate in family or individual counseling to help them through this transition. 4. Speak Kindly About the Other Parent. Avoid blaming or assigning fault in the separation and divorce. When speaking with your children, focus on you and your co-parent being a unit in co-parenting and lead from the “we” position. Don’t lead with “Dad had an affair” or “Mom is leaving us.” It is more appropriate to say something like “We have been trying to fix our relationship and it’s not working. We need to live in separate houses and just be friends and your parents now, not spouses.” This is a more neutral position that will allow your children to continue to build a solid relationship with each parent, rather than blaming one parent (or themselves) for the divorce. 5. Tell the Truth. There are a lot of unknowns at the beginning of a separation and divorce. Don’t promise things you might not be able to deliver, like that they won’t have to move, or they will stay in their same school. While you might desire that outcome in your divorce, it may not be possible. Tell the truth and reassure them about the things you know will stay the same. 6. Maintain consistency throughout both homes. While the kids might struggle to adjust and transition between parents’ houses, keep your rules, behavior expectation and consequences, bedtimes, and mealtimes as consistent as possible in both homes. Maintaining consistency provides children with the structure and foundation they need in a time of many unknowns. If you are struggling to figure out how to address these issues with your children, reach out to our office to schedule a consultation. We can provide referrals to great therapists who work with children of divorce to process their complex emotions and give them coping strategies. We can also help you navigate the legalities of separation and divorce in North Carolina or South Carolina. Comments are closed.
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AuthorLindsey Dasher is the Managing Partner at Dasher Law PLLC Archives
April 2024
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