What If My Child Doesn't Want to See the Other Parent? Part II: What You Should Do

This is the second of a two-part series about parenting time refusal. Please read the first part of the series to understand the reasoning behind why many children are resistant to a new custody arrangement and then return here to find out what you can do about parenting time refusal within the confines of the law and with respect to your child and your co-parent.

Do I have to require my child to see his or her parent?
Many parents ask if they must “force” their child to visit with the other parent. If you are using the word “force,” I would suggest that you reframe your thought-process around your child’s time with the other parent. “Force” suggests that you don’t want to require the child to go with the other parent or that you are supportive of the child’s refusal to see the other parent. As a primary parent, you need to support your child’s relationship with your co-parent. Your child benefits from both parents’ involvement and engagement in his or her life.

If there is a formal custody order (either a Consent Order entered into by the parties and then signed by a judge or a custody order entered following a custody hearing or trial), then yes, you need to require your child to see the other parent and make all attempts to follow the custody order. Refusing to do so is a violation of a court order and you could be held in contempt of court for failing to follow it. If there are no concerns for your child’s safety while they are with the other parent, you should encourage your child to enjoy their time with the other parent, bringing up positive attributes of the other parent, and casting your child’s time with the other parent in a positive light. Think about parenting time like you do other mandatory events. Your child must go to school, and they also must go to see the other parent. Does your child always want to go to school? No, but you require them to attend. Similarly, your child might not always want to go to the other parent, but they need to and must go.

Should I require my child to spend time with me?
As a parent, you must weigh the options and decide if requiring your child to come to spend time with you is worth the potential fallout. If the primary parent is a co-parenting advocate and your child is on the younger side, then generally, I would advise that you continue requiring your child to spend time with you. Your child will benefit from having a relationship with both parents and it is usually best for the child to continue having time with you. If a child is a teenager, you must consider the impact of requiring parenting time on your long-term relationship with your child. Forcing parenting time upon an older teenager may not be worth the negative impact it will have on your long-term relationship. Consider engaging in family therapy sessions with your resistant child. Listen to the therapist on how to engage and support your child through this rough patch. If you play the long game with your kids, keep showing up, supporting, and loving them through this minor hiccup in your parent-child relationship, usually they will come around.

How old does a child have to be to refuse to see a parent?
There is no set age in North Carolina or South Carolina when a child is permitted to decide whether or not they spend time with either parent.

What do I do if visitation is truly harming my child?
If there is concern for abuse, you should contact law enforcement or the Department of Social Services (“DSS”) and make a report. This should only be done if there is a true, major concern of abuse. Including law enforcement or DSS in your family members' lives is not something to do lightly and definitely not something to be used as a manipulative tool to stop parenting time with the other parent. If there is any concern of abuse, immediately connect your child with a qualified therapist.

Separation and divorce are tough on the adults involved, so be kind and understanding that it is also difficult for your children. Your children are less equipped with the ability to regulate their emotions and process them. They may blame one parent or struggle with the transition between households. If you need help navigating this process, reach out to our office and connect you or your child with a qualified therapist. If you are unsure how to navigate this challenge in your parenting time schedule, please reach out to us to schedule a consultation.    

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