How to Respond to Nastygrams from your Co-Parent

Is your co-parent often sending texts and emails that are accusatory and rude? Your initial response may be to respond in kind with an equally rude tone, which will increase the conflict between you and your child’s other parent. Is that really best for your child, though? You need to be able to effectively co-parent with your child’s other parent for years, even beyond your child turning eighteen and becoming an adult.

We recommend that you invest in your co-parenting relationship by taking the high road in communications, and responding using Bill Eddy’s “BIFF” Response method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Find an article detailing Bill Eddy’s “BIFF” method for communications with high-conflict people at the following link. Continue reading below for our own firm’s commentary on Bill Eddy’s BIFF Response method.
 

1. Brief: Keep your response brief. Do not respond to any of the emotional, antagonizing language your co-parent included in the original communication. If your co-parent included personal attacks or called you names, ignore those statements. Respond only to the parts of the communication which require a response. If no part of the communication requires a response, do not respond.  
2. Informative: Provide sufficient factual information to appropriately respond to your co-parent’s original communication, without inviting additional hostility. As Bill Eddy recommends, just stick to the facts! Do not elaborate or try to explain more than is necessary, which may invite more response from your co-parent.
3. Friendly: It can be difficult to maintain a cordial tone with your co-parent, but it is truly in your best interests and your child’s best interests to try to maintain pleasant communications. If you respond back with a nastygram as discourteous as the one you received, you are no better than your co-parent. If you respond in a cordial tone, it may surprise you and take the wind out of your co-parent’s sails, thus improving communication moving forward.
4. Firm: You can be friendly and firm at the same time. Do not hedge or invite commentary in your response.

​If you are dealing with a difficult co-parent after separation, please reach out to our office for assistance. Our goal is to assist our clients in moving through their separation and divorce while lessening the animosity and conflict between spouses and co-parents.   

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