Divorce Differently |
Divorce Differently |
When someone makes the decision to separate from their spouse, their first step is often to find an attorney. What you might not know is that there are other third-party professionals aside from attorneys that can support you and your family throughout the separation and divorce process. If you are committed to resolving your divorce amicably under a collaborative divorce agreement, you may want to consider improving the collaborative divorce process by engaging one or more of the following third-party professionals.
FINANCIAL NEUTRAL Upon separation, you might need help figuring out how to separate your marital finances. Perhaps you’ve never been responsible for the bills, never followed a budget, or your spouse has been primarily responsible for investment decisions. A Financial Neutral can step in to evaluate and assist couples in separating the family finances fairly and equitably. Typically, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), Certified Public Accountant (CPA), and/or Certified Financial Planner (CFP), a Financial Neutral objectively analyzes the parties’ marital estate (assets and debts), budgets, spousal support scenarios, valuation of pensions or complex compensation plans, pre-marital/separate assets, and assists couples by addressing and brainstorming about any financial issues that arise. A Financial Neutral is usually hired by and works for both spouses. This can be a cost-effective solution for divorcing couples who are high-income earners, have complex compensation plans or retirement plans, and/or have significant separate or pre-marital assets. A Financial Neutral analyzes the marital estate once, rather than spouses paying both individual attorneys to fully analyze the marital estate, which may be seen as duplicative. A Financial Neutral’s hourly rate is usually much lower than an attorney’s hourly rate. Additionally, having a Financial Neutral provides the benefit of getting the spouses on the same page about the actual value of the marital estate and can reduce opportunities for disagreement in settlement. CHILD SPECIALIST Maybe you have minor children and you and your spouse do not agree on the best custody schedule for your children, but you are committed to collaborating to determine what is in your children’s best interests. Perhaps you and your spouse need some assistance in addressing the children’s needs as they go through this major life transition with you. In these circumstances, you can hire a Child Specialist to assist your family. Usually a licensed child psychologist or experienced therapist trained in child development and divorce, a Child Specialist ensures that the parties’ child or children have a voice in the divorce process and have a smooth transition from living in one home to two. A Child Specialist can help a child express his or her feelings in uncomfortable situations, encourage a child to advocate for themselves, and guide and educate parents regarding how to address the day-to-day needs of the children. A Child Specialist serves to educate the parents on developmentally appropriate parenting plans and parent/child relationship dynamics. A Child Specialist does not serve in an individual therapeutic role for the child when serving as a Child Specialist in a divorce due to ethical obligations. A child might be well served by a separate individual therapist who is not the Child Specialist. DIVORCE COACHES Upon separation, there are so many decisions to make during one of the most emotional times of your life. You may be feeling overwhelmed with all the decisions and unfamiliar with the divorce path. To help you navigate these emotions and understand the divorce process, you may hire a Divorce Coach. Normally a licensed mental health professional like a psychologist or counselor, a Divorce Coach can be hired by one or both parties to help process their feelings related to the divorce and figure out a plan for how to tackle the big decisions required in divorce. Divorce Coaches are experts in the divorce process itself, which is unfamiliar to a newly separated couple. A Divorce Coach helps the collaborative process proceed smoothly by allowing the spouses to communicate their needs and priorities to the Coach. The Coach ensures that the emotional issues relative to the divorce are addressed and worked through during the collaborative process, thereby preventing the spouses from cycling through past hurts or perceptions during the collaborative team meetings. A Divorce Coach can help the spouses envision their lives post-divorce, develop skills for negotiation and emotional regulation throughout the divorce process, and educate them regarding the divorce process. A Divorce Coach operates independently from an individual therapist for one spouse and some spouses might have their own individual therapists in addition to the collaborative Divorce Coach. If you have already hired an attorney, ask your attorney for suggestions and referrals to third-party professionals who can support you through the collaborative divorce process and help you, your spouse, and your children come out on the other side for the better. During a divorce, there are many outside parties who might need to get involved in order to assist with the financial dissolution of the marriage, the valuation of assets, emotional support, settlement negotiations, or decision-making surrounding the separation and divorce.
INDIVIDUAL THERAPISTS Upon separation, you may feel like you need one person in your corner, outside of family and friends and outside of the messy middle of a divorce, who will listen to you and offer feedback on coping with the flood of emotions that come alongside a divorce. You may also think your children could benefit from the same type of person in their corner. If that’s the case, it is great to seek out a qualified therapist. Therapists can be licensed clinical social workers (LCSWs), licensed professional counselors (LPCs), psychologists (PhDs or PsyDs), licensed mental health counselors (LMHCs), licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs), or psychiatrists (MDs or DOs). The letters behind a therapist’s name are not nearly as important as their personality and fit to your (or your child’s) personality. Ask for recommendations from friends, family, or from your attorney for therapists who are trained to support individuals through divorce. You can also utilize an online search method like Psychology Today’s “Find A Therapist” to find one in your local area. Having an individual therapist allows either the spouse or the child to have a safe place to share thoughts and feelings, be encouraged and empowered with coping skills, and process the grief of divorce. PARENTING COORDINATORS If your divorce is wrought with arguments and disagreements with your spouse about the smaller details of parenting not included in a custody order and you keep ending up back in court to resolve the disputes about the kids, you might be a family who needs a parenting coordinator. Parenting coordinators are either trained attorneys or mental health professionals approved and appointed by the court who assist parents in implementing child custody orders. Parenting coordinators are able to be appointed in North Carolina due to North Carolina statutory authority providing for their appointment. In South Carolina custody cases, there is currently no similar statutory authority for the appointment of parenting coordinators. Parenting coordinators are trained to help parents reduce conflict, reach compromises, and improve communication. If, after discussions about a parenting decision with the parenting coordinator, the parents still cannot come to a mutual agreement, a parenting coordinator will weigh each parent’s arguments and make the parenting decision. A parenting coordinator acts as a liaison between the parents, limiting parental interaction, which in turn limits parental conflict. A parenting coordinator can make decisions for children that are highly important to their lives like what schools they attend, the extracurricular activities in which they may participate, how the child will be disciplined, health care management, or how the child will be transported to and from each parent’s home. These are decisions that should not be delayed by the court system and in typical familial circumstances, parents are able to collaborate together to decide. In high-conflict divorces, however, parents typically cannot collaborate and need the services of a parenting coordinator to avoid constant litigation. If you are in a situation where your co-parent will not make parenting decisions collaboratively, you can ask the court to appoint a parenting coordinator or you and your co-parent can agree to appoint a parenting coordinator to assist you in moving forward in your child custody disagreements. REAL ESTATE APPRAISERS Oftentimes, the marital residence is the largest asset that couples have acquired during their marriage. If you want to keep the house in the property settlement, you and your spouse will need to agree on the value of the house so that the spouse not remaining in the home can receive his or her half of the value of the house. If you and your spouse do not agree on the value of the house, you may need to engage the services of a real estate appraiser to determine the fair market value. A real estate appraiser is a licensed or certified third-party professional who provides an appraisal report that details the value of the home and land and provides a fair market value number based on the report. A real estate appraiser will do an in-person inspection of the house and lot, compare it to other similar homes in the neighborhood, and consider the housing market trends to determine a fair market value for the home. When appraising a property for use in a divorce settlement, it is important to have your appraiser evaluate the value of the property at the date of separation and, if time has passed since the date of separation, the current value of the property. Passive and active increases or decreases in the property value after the date of separation are considered in the overall divorce property settlement. BUSINESS VALUATORS If you or you and your spouse own a closely held business that is not publicly held and/or easily valued, you will likely need to determine a value in order for the business to be considered in the divorce property settlement. Businesses that are incorporated during a marriage are marital property and can be divided equally upon divorce unless you and your spouse agree otherwise. A business is made up of tangible assets like bank accounts, equipment, buildings, and inventory and intangible assets like goodwill, trademarks, patents, and other intellectual property. If you and your spouse agree on the value of the business and how to divide it, you can avoid the following step. If you do not agree on the value of the business and the value of the business needs to be considered in the divorce property settlement, you may need to hire a business valuator to establish the value of the business. Business valuators can be Certified Business Appraisers, business valuation analysts, business valuation specialists, or Certified Public Accountants. Business valuators commonly use the fair market value standard, or the market approach, to determine the fair market value of the business. In a divorce settlement, the parties can use the business value to determine how you and your spouse will split the business. MEDIATOR If you and your spouse are generally cordial and want to resolve your divorce outside of court, utilizing a mediator might be a great option for you. It can be difficult to sit down and come to an agreement in a one-on-one conversation with your spouse because of the emotions that surface. A mediator can facilitate the conversation between you and your spouse, keeping it professional and focused, so you and your spouse can come to an agreement about your divorce settlement without the extra cost and headache of going to court. A mediator is a neutral third party who reviews and helps resolve the issues in a divorce settlement as equitably as possible. Depending on how many issues are outstanding upon the mediation date, mediation can last as little as a few hours, although a mediation session typically lasts for one full day (about 8 hours). A lawyer’s job is to advise his or her individual client during mediation, whereas the mediator’s job is to facilitate negotiations between the spouses and help the spouses move toward compromise. If you and your spouse are amicable, you can agree to mediation on your own, with or without attorneys participating in the process. In North Carolina, a mediator cannot draft the final agreement between the spouses, and you would have to take your list of agreed-upon terms to an attorney to draft into an agreement. In South Carolina, a mediator is permitted to draft the final agreement between the spouses, which is then offered to the court for approval in a final hearing. ARBITRATOR If you and your spouse are not able to come to an agreement on your own or with a third-party mediator’s facilitation, but you do not want to subject your personal family and financial matters to a public proceeding in the courtroom, you can choose to utilize an arbitrator. An arbitrator is a neutral third party who acts as a private judge providing a binding decision and order that the spouses must follow. You and your spouse get to choose the arbitrator, the arbitrator’s decision is binding (generally) and cannot be appealed, and you can resolve your marital issues as soon as you can get onto an arbitrator’s schedule without waiting for the court’s backlog. In North Carolina, the Family Law Arbitration Act governs the arbitration proceedings. In North Carolina, spouses can agree to arbitrate any issue that arises out of a marriage, except for the divorce itself, during or after marriage. A couple can agree to submit marital issues to arbitration within a postnuptial agreement or a separation agreement. You can also agree to submit any issue arising out of a marriage, except for child custody, child support, and the divorce itself within a prenuptial agreement prior to marriage. In South Carolina, the South Carolina Family Law Arbitration Act governs the arbitration proceedings. South Carolina allows for arbitration of all issues arising from a separation or divorce except for the divorce itself, adoptions, termination of parental rights, allegations of child abuse/neglect, allegations of spousal abuse, or criminal or civil contempt sanctions. Please reach out to our office to discuss your options for support and resolution, both emotionally and legally, and we will be happy to guide you toward the best possible scenario for your individual situation. Can I date during my separation?
In North Carolina: Yes, you can begin dating after you are separated from your spouse. You must wait a year and a day after separation to file for divorce and some people choose to begin dating again in that time period. There is nothing unlawful about dating someone new after separation, as long as you are living separate and apart under a different roof from your spouse and you intend the separation to be permanent. However, it is wise to wait for a little while after your separation to begin dating again. It is important to give yourself time to process the divorce and loss of your marriage relationship and avoid the negative effects a new dating partner might have on your property settlement negotiations and child custody arrangement with your spouse. In North Carolina, if your spouse has made allegations of adultery or marital misconduct, it is best not to date until after your divorce is final. Your spouse (and a judge if your case ended up in court) might view moving in with a new dating partner soon after separation as supporting evidence that the adultery alleged actually occurred. In South Carolina: Generally, no, in South Carolina, you should not date while you are separated. By dating someone other than your spouse, you run the risk of being accused of having a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse (even if you are not). South Carolina has a black-and-white view of what constitutes adultery; even if you are “separated” in South Carolina, you are still legally married, and having a sexual relationship with someone who is not your spouse is considered adultery. In South Carolina, adultery can adversely affect alimony rights and claims, property settlement rights and claims, and occasionally child custody. Can I introduce my new partner to my children? Oftentimes in child custody agreements, there will be a clause that requires you to date a new partner for a certain time period (for example, 3-6 months) before even introducing the partner to your children. Your parenting agreement might also prohibit you from having a new partner stay overnight when the children are with you. If you agreed to those terms in a Separation Agreement or Consent Order for Child Custody, you need to abide by them. If you leave your marriage and immediately begin living with someone new, your children (and your spouse) will likely be hurt and confused. It will likely have negative consequences on your relationship with your children and on the potential outcome of a child custody agreement with your spouse, if there isn’t one in place. Why should you wait to date? Psychologists compare the loss of a marriage relationship as akin to the loss of a loved one through death. People often grieve the loss of a marriage relationship in the same way, by going through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). In our law practice, we often see the spouse who has chosen to leave the marriage is further along in the grief cycle, sometimes all the way to the “acceptance” stage whereas the other spouse may be in the “denial” or “anger” stage. If you immediately start dating and your spouse is aware, your settlement negotiations could be derailed by the emotional impact on your spouse. We recommend avoiding jumping into a new relationship; it can preserve peace between you and your spouse which may enable you to work out the terms of your separation amicably. Who will get the kids?
An agreement between parents is always preferable to going to court and having a judge determine your custody arrangement. In an agreement, you and your spouse maintain control over exactly what your custody arrangement looks like and can consider any factors that affect your children’s best interests (like each of the parents’ work schedules, schooling arrangements, extracurricular activities, locations of each of the parents’ homes, the children’s ages and wishes, and so forth). Until there is a custody agreement between the parents, each parent has equal rights to custodial time with the children of the marriage. When can my child choose the parent with whom they wish to reside? There is no set age when children get to “choose” their custodial parent. The focus in determining a child custody agreement is what is in the best interest of the child. An older child or teenager’s wishes should be given considerable weight when determining a child custody arrangement with your spouse or the other parent. Teenagers who have their own lives including jobs and extracurricular activities and are able to drive are unlikely to follow a child custody arrangement with which they disagree. Forcing a teen to follow a custody arrangement with which they disagree is likely to cause more harm than good in your relationship with the child. A younger child’s wishes should be considered, but generally should not be determinative. Children often tell both parents they want to live with them. This is typically because children often wish they could have their “old life” back, living with both parents like they used to when their parents were together, and also because children want to please their parents, particularly in times of perceived stress and anxiety. Is there a custodial preference for mothers over fathers? No, there is not a custodial preference for mothers over fathers in North or South Carolina. Until a judge orders otherwise, or the parents agree otherwise, two married parents who are separating have equal rights to custody of their children. We have seen that children benefit from strong relationships with both of their parents. An experienced family law attorney can provide ample guidance to parents questioning what schedule might be in the best interests of their children, as there are many variations of parenting time schedules. The best schedule is the one that works well for your own family. If parents share custody, does anyone pay child support? It depends. The Child Support Guidelines in both North Carolina and South Carolina determine if and how much child support should be paid. The child support obligations are loosely based upon how many nights per year a child spends with each parent. In North Carolina, for example, child support for shared custody is determined by using the Child Support Guidelines “Worksheet B.” If parents share custody of the children equally, you enter in the following information on Worksheet B to determine if child support is owed:
Can I move? Yes, you are legally able to move wherever you would like. If you have children, however, you may not have the legal right to bring them with you when you move. If there is no custody order or agreement in place, each parent has equal legal rights to the children. If you are separated and want to move the children out-of-state or far away from the other parent, you must inform the other parent and get their approval to take the kids with you. If the other parent does not agree and you move with the children anyway, the other parent could file for an emergency, expedited, or temporary order in court which could force you to bring the children back to their home state. If you move with the children and do not inform the other parent of the children’s whereabouts, the legal consequences could be dire. Courts take a parent’s constitutional right to parent his or her children very seriously and moving without informing the other parent is not likely to provide you with the outcome you desire in your custody case. In most circumstances, it is best for children to have access to and a meaningful relationship with both of their parents. Moving children far away from one of their parents can have major legal and emotional consequences for you and for the children. Consult with an attorney for more information and guidance on your specific custody situation, as we understand these situations are nuanced and complicated. My spouse cheated on me/I cheated on my spouse, how will that affect my case?
If you engage in a sexual relationship with someone who is not your spouse prior to your date of divorce, that is considered adultery in both North and South Carolina. If you engage in a sexual relationship with someone who is not your spouse prior to separation (in North Carolina) or the signing of a final settlement agreement or date of divorce (in South Carolina), that act of adultery could result in significant legal and financial ramifications. If you are the dependent spouse seeking alimony, but the supporting spouse has evidence you committed adultery, you will be barred from receiving alimony. On the other hand, if you are the supporting spouse, you committed adultery, and your spouse has evidence of the adultery, you will likely be required to pay alimony. My spouse is moving in with his or her new partner (or I want to move in with mine); how does that affect my case? To prove “cohabitation” in North Carolina, the supporting spouse must show that a dependent spouse is living with someone else in a romantic relationship that provides economic benefits similar to those that are provided in a marriage relationship. “Cohabitation” in South Carolina is defined as when the supporting spouse can prove that the dependent spouse has resided with another person in a romantic relationship for more than 90 consecutive days. If you are seeking to collect spousal support as a dependent spouse, but then move in with a new dating partner, you will likely not be eligible to receive spousal support. The reasoning behind this rule is that your former spouse should not have to provide financial support for you when you are living with another adult who can theoretically provide the same type of support. If you are currently receiving spousal support as a dependent spouse, but then begin cohabitating with your dating partner, spousal support will typically terminate. If you are the supporting spouse and find out that your former spouse who receives spousal support/alimony has begun cohabitating, you can request that alimony be terminated. Do we have to sell the house?
It depends. There is a presumption in both North Carolina and South Carolina that all of the marital assets and debts will be split equitably between spouses, which includes both the equity in the house and the mortgage debt. If one spouse wishes to keep the house, that spouse must figure out how to do two things: First, the spouse keeping the house must remove the other spouse’s name from the mortgage loan (typically either by refinance, payoff, or assumption), and second, the spouse keeping the house must find a way to pay the other spouse their portion of the equity in the home, if any. For example, the spouse keeping the house might provide the other spouse with a greater portion of marital savings accounts or brokerage accounts in an equivalent value to the other spouse’s portion of the equity in the home. Oftentimes, however, the largest asset couples have is their home and there is no other way to provide each spouse with 50% of the equity in the home except to sell the home and divide the equity proceeds resulting from the sale. Do I have to share my retirement/401(k) savings? It depends. If you have retirement savings that you accumulated prior to marriage, those funds would typically be considered “separate property” and not subject to division in divorce. Retirement savings and 401(k) account funds that have accumulated during the course of the marriage are considered “marital property,” and are subject to equitable apportionment between the spouses. If you both have close to an equal amount of retirement savings in each of your individual retirement accounts, you might both keep your individual accounts without splitting them. If one spouse has saved most of the retirement for the couple in his or her individual 401(k) account, then the other spouse is typically entitled to half of the funds. That being said, dividing the marital estate is a creative math problem. If you keep your full 401(k) account in the divorce, is there another way to allocate to your spouse the equivalent of 50% of your 401(k) savings? Could you provide your spouse with a greater portion of the equity in the home? Are there other liquid accounts your spouse could be allocated? This is a situation where you definitely need to consult with a lawyer to figure out the best way to divide your marital retirement accounts fairly without incurring extra fees and expenses. Can I get (or will I have to pay) alimony in North Carolina? Alimony is not automatically awarded in North Carolina. North Carolina has a need-based approach to alimony; one spouse must need alimony to maintain the standard of living they became accustomed to during the course of the marriage and the other spouse must have the ability to pay alimony. The “supporting spouse” would pay alimony to the “dependent spouse” to cover the dependent spouse’s needs that they cannot afford on their own. In North Carolina, if adultery was committed by the dependent spouse (even if the dependent spouse needs alimony), however, this behavior bars the dependent spouse from receiving alimony. If the supporting spouse has committed adultery (and the supporting spouse has the ability to pay), then the dependent spouse will be awarded alimony. Do we really have to live apart for a year before we can get a divorce, or can we just sleep in separate bedrooms?
Yes, in both North Carolina and South Carolina to file for a no-fault divorce you must live separate and apart in separate homes for one year and one day before you can file for divorce. Staying in separate bedrooms under the same roof is not sufficient in either state to qualify as a “separation.” Filing and receiving the divorce decree is the final step in the separation and divorce process, but in the year-long interim period, you can address all of the other issues related to the divorce such as child custody, child support, equitable distribution, and spousal support/alimony. What if my spouse doesn’t want to get divorced? Your spouse cannot deny you a divorce and you do not need your spouse’s “permission” to file for a divorce. If you meet the requirements to file for divorce, you can proceed whether your spouse wants to be divorced or not. An uncooperative spouse does not need to agree to the divorce for it to be granted by a judge; however, your spouse must be served with proper notice that you filed for divorce. After service, if your spouse ignores the lawsuit, your divorce will still typically be granted in the end. Bear in mind that all marital financial issues (i.e., equitable distribution and spousal support/alimony) must be resolved prior to the issuance of a final divorce decree. What if my spouse won’t leave the house to start the separation period? If your spouse refuses to leave the shared marital residence and you want to keep things amicable and low-cost, you may have to be the spouse who initiates the separation by leaving temporarily. There are sometimes other legal avenues to attempt to remove your spouse from the marital residence, but the other legal options can be expensive, time-consuming, and not conducive to reaching a settlement with your spouse in the long term. As a side note: you cannot just change the locks after your spouse leaves for work one day and not permit your spouse to reenter the home unless you have filed for and been granted a domestic violence protective order. Generally, locking your spouse out is not the best way to initiate an amicable divorce. Do we have to go to mediation? No, not necessarily. Oftentimes couples can agree upon how to divide their marital estate, what their parenting time schedule will be, set a child support obligation, and determine spousal support/alimony on their own or with the assistance of attorney(s) prior to proceeding to mediation. If a couple disagrees upon any of the above-mentioned issues and cannot find a resolution, the couple may benefit from participating in mediation to work out the details of their divorce. A mediator is a neutral third party who is usually an attorney or a retired judge. Mediators assist the parties in working through their disagreements and finding a workable and satisfactory overall resolution. Couples can participate in mediation without attorney representation, but in North Carolina, please note that a mediator cannot draft a separation agreement. If you come to an agreement in mediation in North Carolina without attorneys, you will have to take your list of agreed-upon points to a separate attorney to draft the separation agreement. If you are represented by attorneys during the mediation and you are able to resolve your case, you and your spouse would sign a separation agreement drafted by one of your attorneys. In South Carolina, a mediator is permitted to draft a mediated settlement agreement for parties who are not represented by attorneys, which can save a ton of money for spouses who cannot afford two attorneys. How long does a divorce take? In North Carolina: You have to wait for one year and one day after separation to file for divorce. Your spouse has 30 days after service to respond to the divorce lawsuit. If you and your spouse have reached a resolution outside of court, finalizing the divorce will be a matter of getting on the court’s docket to have a judge declare you legally divorced. If your county has a full docket, it can take an additional 3+ months to finalize the divorce after filing. In South Carolina: For a no-fault divorce, if you have been separated for one year and one day and have reached a resolution on all marital issues, finalizing the divorce will be a matter of getting on the court’s docket to have a judge declare you legally divorced. If your county has a full docket, it can take an additional 2+ months to finalize the divorce after filing. If you and your spouse have reached a resolution outside of court, you are filing for a fault-based ground for divorce (adultery, habitual drunkenness or drug use, or physical cruelty), and your spouse does not contest the divorce filing, you may be able to obtain a divorce 90 days after the date of filing. Can we file the divorce paperwork ourselves? Yes, you can file the divorce lawsuit without a lawyer, but divorce paperwork is intensive and has very specific legal requirements. Navigating the divorce process is complex and divorce paperwork is best completed by a licensed attorney who has the expertise to properly handle your divorce. Do I have to go to court? In North Carolina: No, not usually. If you can reach a resolution on all your other marital issues outside of court (i.e., child support, child custody, equitable distribution, and spousal support/alimony), all you have to do is file the divorce lawsuit then proceed accordingly with your county’s respective requirements to finalize your divorce. You do not typically have to be present in court when the judge signs the Judgment of Divorce. In South Carolina: Yes, even if you and your spouse have reached a resolution on all of your other issues outside of court (i.e., child support, child custody, equitable distribution, and spousal support/alimony), you will have to appear at a Final Divorce Hearing in front of a judge to get the Decree of Divorce entered, unless you and your spouse (via your attorneys) submit affidavits to the court in lieu of a hearing. What do you want your child’s divorce story to be? Ending an unhappy union through a divorce can sometimes be the best solution for a family. We know divorce affects children, but it does not have to traumatize children or be nasty and contentious. It can be a relief for your children to see both of their parents happier and better-adjusted post-divorce. Your child can have the opportunity to develop a stronger relationship with both parents and their siblings because of divorce. Your divorce approach can impact a generation. What will your child’s lifelong memories be after your divorce? Will your child remember the joy of seeing both of their parents sitting in the same row at their school play? Or will they remember the tension between you and your co-parent as you sat on opposite sides of the theatre and agonizing over which parent to run to first after their play? Will your child remember stressful custody exchanges or special times at both parents’ homes? Keep this in the forefront of your mind as you proceed through your separation and divorce.
A parent is never perfect, but you are the perfect parent for your child. Divorce is a huge transition in a child’s life and there are steps you can take to help your child’s divorce story be a positive one. LOVE YOUR KIDS Love them. That’s simplistic, but it’s truly the best thing you can do. Be present with your child as they experience this major life change. Listen actively if they want to talk; be with them quietly if they don’t. Hug them, check in with them often, and remind them that you love them and will be there if they ever want to talk. Be open to their questions and answer them honestly at an age-appropriate level. Keep in mind as you answer that you protect them from the legal side of the divorce, even if they are older. Explain the new logistics of at whose house they will sleep and when, and who will pick them up from school, but shield them from the intricate details of child custody, child support, alimony, and anything regarding the marital estate. TREAT YOUR CO-PARENT RESPECTFULLY Make your child’s well-being your priority by treating your co-parent with respect and civility. Think of how your child will be affected by your words, thoughts, and actions around the divorce and toward your co-parent. Treat your co-parent with respect for no other reason except that your co-parent is an extension of your child. Be aware of how you speak about your co-parent around your child and only speak positively about your child’s time with your co-parent. Kids will often say they don’t want to go to the other parent’s home, but there can be many reasons for this. Don’t jump to conclusions. Sometimes a child’s hesitance to leave you is just a sign that the child has a healthy attachment to you, like when a child cries at daycare drop-off (and recovers within a minute of you walking out the door). DO NOT RELY ON YOUR CHILDREN FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT It is okay to be transparent about your own feelings and emotions throughout the divorce process, but do not rely on your children to support you emotionally. Children should not be the ones comforting you about your adult problems. They should not be taking on your emotional load while trying to manage their own. Find a qualified therapist or talk to family or friends for support. By following this advice, you will let your children maintain their childhood through a divorce and preserve pleasant childhood memories with both of their parents. The divorce story your child will tell in adulthood will be one where their parents were brave enough to make the right decision to move on so they could be better people and better parents post-divorce. You can contact us if you are ready to take that next brave step. The word self-care gets thrown around a lot these days. Some people hear the term self-care with a more negative connotation: essentially, as an excuse to be selfish. Others see self-care as a necessity – the equivalent of putting your oxygen mask on first before helping someone else. As an attorney, I can tell you that self-care is important not only to my fellow attorneys – but also to my clients. Whether your divorce is amicable or contentious, divorce is hard for everyone involved. There are no easy answers or fixes when you believe that your family is falling apart. However, some of my best clients are those who have made self-care a priority as they go through this process. Here are some of the best self-care strategies to utilize to deal with the divorce process in a healthier manner.
MORAL SUPPORT Lean on your family and friends for support. Call or text them when you’re feeling down. Ask to get together, especially during the times when your children are with their other parent, as that can be a more difficult time during your separation and divorce. Don’t be afraid to ask your family or friends for help while you are learning your new normal. If someone offers to make you a meal, watch your kids, or help you around the house, say yes. Most people are looking for ways that they can actively support you through this transition and let you know that you are not alone. MENTAL HEALTH Take care of your mental health. Divorce is one of the most stressful life changes you will ever go through. Seek a qualified counselor to support your mental health through the transition. Ask your lawyer for recommendations, if needed, as we have many clients who have successfully utilized compassionate, qualified counselors to assist them during separation and after divorce. You can also try meditation or breathing exercises to help you with the difficult emotions you might experience. There are many apps now that provide guided meditations and deep breathing exercises for free or low cost. PHYSICAL HEALTH Try to get enough sleep, exercise, fresh air, and nourishment for your body. It’s amazing what a walk around the neighborhood can do for your emotional state when you’re in a funk. This is also a great time to try something new like hiking, recreational sports teams, or group exercise classes, which get you out of your normal routines and allow you to meet new people. TIME TO REFLECT Say no to overscheduling yourself, establish boundaries with your ex-spouse, and provide yourself with breathing room in your days and weeks ahead to process the range of emotions that you will experience during the dissolution of your marriage. As you are deciding on co-parenting schedules, whether to sell or keep the marital home, or the logistics of how to pay for two households, know that you don’t have to make every decision immediately. Focus on yourself and put your oxygen mask on first before diving into the decision-making process. You have time to discern what you want to do next. Know that as your attorney, I am here for you every step of the way. We work hard to make the divorce process as amicable as possible, but inevitably you will need healing along this journey. Engaging in some of the self-care tactics above can help promote healing and encourage you in taking the next steps forward in your new chapter in life. If you’ve been considering divorce or are just starting the process, you might already be reeling at the prospect of paying a hefty price tag. A consultation could cost you a few hundred dollars. It’s well worth your money, but that’s only the beginning.
I hope you’ll consider what I’m about to share with you. If you’re thinking about going to court for your divorce, the financial implications could be devastating. The financial cost is one of the reasons I stopped litigating cases years ago and why I now advocate so strongly for a collaborative approach. It’s my exclusive practice now. So, How Much? A few years ago, legal marketing firm Martindale-Nolo asked consumers how much they paid for their divorces, and attorneys how much they charged. In North Carolina, the cost varied widely depending on several factors, including the number of contested issues and whether the case went to trial. The higher the conflict, the higher the price tag. For one contested issue and no trial, their research showed a minimum of about $5,000. The cases that went to trial averaged between $12,000-$15,000. I’ve seen some cases go into six figures. The bottom line is that typically the more cooperative the couple is, the smaller the bill. Can you see why I strongly support collaborative divorce? Working Together Collaborative divorce is a voluntary process wherein both spouses commit to resolving their divorce outside of the court. Couples sign a legally binding contract in which they commit to work together, and with their respective attorneys, to separate assets, work out any child custody or spousal support issues, and minimize the collateral damage of divorce on their family as a whole. Generally speaking, the collaborative process costs less than going to court. Here are some of the factors that can impact the total cost of your divorce: Where You Live You can’t help where you live, but where you live matters. Attorneys in Raleigh may not charge the same hourly rates as attorneys in Roanoke Rapids, North Carolina. If you live in New York City, your bill might be a lot higher than if you live in Mississippi, for example. Contested Issues How many contested issues are there? If you have several issues to work through, such as child custody, alimony, property division, etc., it may add to your overall cost. However, if you and your spouse have no children and minimal assets to split, the total cost could be a lot less. Attorney Experience A seasoned attorney is worth his or her weight in gold, in my opinion. You cannot replace the working knowledge that an experienced attorney has of the law, the court system, and the process. That said, these attorneys charge accordingly for that expertise. An experienced attorney will likely charge a higher hourly rate for his or her services compared to an attorney who has been practicing for a year. You want to find the balance of attorney experience/hourly rate that works for you. Settlement or Trial? If you spend any amount of time on this site, you’ll know that I am a firm believer in settling divorces outside of court. I believe it is the best way to preserve your finances and your heart as much as possible. Settling cases will not only keep you out of court, but it will likely save money if the spouses and their attorneys can work together. But some couples simply can’t or won’t agree on their contested issues and they end up in court. The litigation process will cost you more money, time, and energy. Your attorney will have to file a lawsuit or respond to allegations, gather evidence, and prepare for trial. Unknown Costs There is a lot of work that goes into advocating for our clients. How many phone calls, e-mails, and/or meetings will it take to resolve your divorce? How many documents will your attorney be reviewing and drafting? How often will you be communicating with your attorney? Those costs are hard to predict, and they can add up, so it’s something to keep in mind. In the collaborative process, it’s possible to resolve all the issues more efficiently, which helps keep costs down. When I opened the doors to Dasher Law, I wanted to do divorce differently. In fact, I made that my mission statement and I work every day to keep couples focused on staying out of court and moving on to the next new chapter of their lives. If you’re ready to Divorce Differently, call us and set up a consultation. We’d love to help. |
AuthorLindsey Dasher is the Managing Partner at Dasher Law PLLC Archives
April 2024
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